A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Is Oprah even human
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
