I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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