They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
