Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
