I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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