i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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