He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just had sex on a roof
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
