I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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