All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
