mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
