I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
