Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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