i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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