Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
