Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
