watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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