i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
