I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
