You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
