WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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