i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
