dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
