Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
