so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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