I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
