I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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