i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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