my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
