i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
