I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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