I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
