Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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