He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
