There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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