I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
