I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
