Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
