Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
