Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
kristin has been a bad kristin
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
