I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
