Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
