Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
