I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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