Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
