I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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