if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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