new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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