Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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