My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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