I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
